15. Bawls Guarana
Photograph: Amazon
Bawls Guarana
Original Flavor (12-Pack)
Regarded as the first “energy soda” explicitly marketed to gamers, Bawls is a fun throwback to the heady days of StarCraft and LAN parties in the late ’90s. The profile of the unnamed flavor in the iconic blue bottle, which still lines the checkout labyrinth at Micro Center to this day, sits halfway between Sprite and cream soda. A blind taste test would not convince the consumer they’re drinking an energy drink, which may be a good thing if they’re burned out on the more extreme offerings in the gamer fuel space.
Notes: Guarana is the OG herbal coffee alternative of the modern age. It doesn’t hit quite the same as a shot of espresso, but the sugary kick offered by Bawls is a nice halfway point between a can of Coca-Cola and the cartoonish chemical bombs you’ll find at your local gas station.
16. Prime
Photograph: Amazon
Prime Energy Drink
Lemon Lime Flavor (24-Pack)
Pretty close to Red Bull, but with no sugar. Excellent carbonation. Much better than sugar-free Red Bull. Very strong lingering sweetener flavor, like getting a Jolly Rancher stuck in your teeth. The aftertaste was underwhelming, but not a deal-breaker.
Notes: Very mild energy boost that didn’t hit until about 90 minutes later, at which point I was tapping my foot and rapidly clicking a pen while on a Zoom call. I crashed a couple hours later and found myself zombified by 2 pm.
17. Wooooo!
Photograph: Wooooo Energy
Wooooo!
Strawberry Banana (12-Pack)
Ex-WWE star Ric Flair’s signature “dietary supplement” tastes exactly like it looks: bright and obnoxious, but in an uncommitted way. I can deal with a few calories if they’re put to good use, which is thankfully the case here. The can alleges an “herbal mushroom blend” and 1,500 milligrams of “Cognitive Cap Complex” do the heavy lifting. Like wrestling, that’s probably not real, but it’s still kinda fun and silly.
Notes: Flair’s snake oil never got me jacked up enough to engage in “Woo Girl” behavior, but I did get a nice little jolt of energy that mellowed out after an hour with no crash to speak of.
18. Accelerator
Photograph: Amazon
Accelerator
Peach Paradise (12-Pack)
Accelerator is an inoffensive and unassuming option for folks who don’t like brand names or flashy cans. The carbonation is adequate, and the peach flavor is juicy but not over the top. It should appeal to the three people left on the planet who still prefer generic gas station peach rings over the vastly superior Haribo option that’s hanging from the next rack.
Notes: The energy level offered by Accelerator is a tad underwhelming, but it didn’t hurt my brain or put me in a sugar coma, so I’ll chalk that up as a minor win.
19. Bang
Photograph: Amazon
The crack of the can shocks the senses with a strong whiff of vape juice and gaming. Pop Rocks up front, with a mild hint of Tums on the finish. Blue raspberry is an unholy flavor you’ll never find in nature, but this manages to mask the insane caffeine content with just enough flavor while barely plunging into the netherworld of fake sweeteners replicating flavors that aren’t even real.
Notes: The buzz provided by Bang is an aggressive wallop of caffeine that’s best microdosed unless you want your body to be on the verge of a heart attack one minute then slumped over in your gaming chair like a heap of dirty laundry the next.
